Hey everybody!! Sorry about the week off ... it's been a little crazy. I can't wait to catch up on your blog and write really nasty things in response :)
I love movie websites. They're usually run by geeks who love movies as much as I do, and they are usually the true barometer of audience reaction to a film. So often I find myself nodding in agreement with their criticisms of a film, much more so than Roger Ebert's fat ass.
Well, now I am part of the movie machinery. I have been accepted as a feature writer for my very favorite movie website, www.obsessedwithfilm.com
If you love movies at all, this website, the only thing to come out of Britain since Elton John's wedding night, is chock full of great stories and personal insights. I recommend it highly.
Donald Trump is a digusting, slimy weasel. He would slice a live puppy open with a nail file and rip its heart out with his teeth if he thought it would make him ten bucks. But I gotta tell ya, he sure is funny when he's pissed.
Well, in just a few short months, the very last Harry Potter book will be upon us. J.K. Rowling is a fucking genius - this woman was writing the first book in LONG HAND on yellow legal pads at the laundromat - and now she is the Oprah of publishing. The profits from this last book will allow her to buy her own half of the planet. My hope: she buys America and fires Bush.
Here is a video clip, which shows how to unlock the website. The end of it reveals the very last book's secret title.
Medical advances combined with increased income and MTV has spawned a whole generation of fitness and beauty obsessives. This, however, takes the cake:
All you guys out there writing letters to your cocks: what is your cock telling you after seeing THAT???
Sorry about disappearing for a couple of days. Things have been a little crazy.
Speaking of crazy ... nothing on earth is weirder than Japanese television. The constant, goofy music, the stupid looks, the cheesy graphic effects, and the sheer banality of the subject matter combine into a stew of stupidity that the rational mind cannot comprehend.
Christmas might be the silliest, tackiest, and least spiritual "holyday" on the calendar. It makes Arbor Day look like an epiphany of enlightenment.
EXHIBIT A : CHRISTMAS SONGS
Sleigh bells do not make great musical instruments. They have little musical value; they cannot play melodic notes, and they cannot keep rhythmic time. Somehow, though, they find their way into every single song at Christmas.
Which would be fine, if the songs didn't suck dead Jesus balls.
Unfortunately, Christmas songs exist to tell us the two great lies of the holiday season: (1) Christmas is a time when people love each other unselfishly, and (2) Christmas is a time of true joy and peace and happiness.
Wrong.
Let's see some of the worst offenders of Christmas music:
Paul McCartney and Wings - "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime"
Well, that gets my vote for one of the worst keyboard parts in music history, edged out slightly by Timmy T's hideous "One More Try." I love the brain-dead lyrics, repeated ad nauseum in case you missed it the first million times. "Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong." This guy was a fucking BEATLE???? Why on earth was John Lennon shot and this guy allowed to live????
Newsong - "Christmas Shoes"
Folks, it just doesn't get any more schmaltzy than that. I needed three insulin injections just to POST that, and I deeply apologize to any diabetics who were caught unaware when they played it. HORRIBLE. The lyrics don't fit in time with the music, the anonymous lead singer singing "soulfully," and, of course, the teeth-rotting lyrics. I would only wish to see them perform this song live so that I could vomit directly into that singer's face. Oh, and kid - those fucking shoes are UGLY. When she meets Jesus, he's going to send her to fucking HELL. Sweet dreams, kid.
Band Aid - "Do They Know It's Christmas Time?"
Ah, yes ... multimillionaire rock stars singing about starvation and disease. My nomination for most awkward-sounding lyric in a Christmas song: "Here's to them, underneath that burning sun!" I think Boy George comes off the best out of the singers represented here - at least he injects a little soul into it, unlike Sting, who looks like he'd rather lick Stuart Copeland's sweaty taint. Of course, nobody seems to give a shit that a large portion of Africa is not Christian, and couldn't care less if it was Christmas or Arbor Day. In fact, they'd probably prefer Arbor Day...the gift that keeps on giving - no, not George Michael in a public restroom - but rather a TREE. It'll provide fruit and/or shade from that damn burning sun.
Dishonorable Mention: John Denver - "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk on Christmas)" - Yes, this is an actual song, sung by the bespectacled idiot who, years later, got drunk and crashed his plane directly into the ground. Nice going, dipshit.
Alvin and the Chipmunks - "Christmas Christmas Time is Here" - Bad idea from the sixties. Three high-pitched chipmunks sing songs while being berated by a human. The chipmunks here sound like ZOMBIE chipmunks. FESTIVE!!!!
John Lennon and Yoko Ono - "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)" - Nothing says holiday cheer like a lecture on war and peace, sung by an unwashed Beatle and (apparently) some sort of pterodactyl being disemboweled. Nothing will make egg nog rush out of your esophagus faster than Yoko's version of Christmas. She must have had an amazing pussy to have been able to blind Lennon so completely.
So ... any good Christmas songs out there? Well, I like these:
Jose Feliciano - "Feliz Navidad" - Damn this song is CATCHY. I have no idea what half the lyrics mean, but who cares. It has a great melody. Best of all, it's not about the so-called Christmas spirit - it's just basically one big message of well-wishing. I can handle that.
Madonna - "Santa Baby" - The song is completely slutty, and is basically a huge shopping list of material goods - which, of course, perfectly captures the true meaning of Christmas. This song is both Crassmaterialism and Christmasturbation. Love it.
And finally, the very best of them all, with brilliant video accompaniment:
Burl Ives - "Holly Jolly Christmas"
Christmas is so utterly phony. We need to whip and nail Christmas like the Romans did to that one guy... Stop hurting Jesus! Stop celebrating Christmas!!
A bizarre comment by Woozie in the comments section of yesterday's blog entry in which he compared his uncircumcised cock to the peanut in the picture set off a tangent about the merits of uncircumcised dick.
First, let me just thank Woozie for the above picture of his dick as an example. He is quite well hung for a sixteen year old - NICE JOB, WOOZ!!!
Um, can I get in trouble for that??
ANYWAY, uncircumcised cock is NOT attractive, as if anything cock-oriented can be called attractive. I think circumcision is the better way to go for the following reasons:
(1) A circumcised dick is CLEANER. Uncircumcised dicks have folds of skin that can trap bacteria and other, even less pleasant things. No problems like that for the circumcised among us.
(2) A circumcised dick is EASIER. No, not sexually, ya pervs. Peeing is a breeze with a circumcised cock - just whip it out and let 'er fly. Uncircumcised dicks must be rolled back in order to uncover the peehole. DUMB.
(3) A circumcised dick is PRETTIER. Again, not that any of it can actually be referred to as PRETTY, but ... let's face it: the HEAD of a guy's dick is probably the best looking and most attractive feature on it. You know, with its helmety brim and curved, Frank Lloyd Wright-esque tip on it. It's almost a work of art - edible art, ladies and some gentlemen. WHY HIDE IT??
As for Pixie's comment that circumcision was instituted and cultivated in the West - WRONG. The Bible clearly shows that around 1500 B.C. the JEWS practiced circumcision - it was LAW (some claim from God, if you're into that sort of thing...). It spread from there into Europe, and then came to the West via religious dogma.
And I am damn glad it did - see, something good can come from religion after all!!
Now, for all you fellas that have uncircumcised dicks, I am not trying to offend you. When our junk gets hard, it's basically all the same ... then it only comes down to how far you shoot. Maybe we can talk about that some other time ...
By the way, that isn't really Woozie's cock. It's some Indian guy's dick, so maybe it belongs to Convict. But since it's uncircumcised, let's hope not.
When Jimmy Carter goes into the cold, hard ground, how will his epitaph read in the history books?
Granted, I have never been a fan of his Presidency. The man melted faster than microwaved butter in the face of the slightest adversity. Every crisis of his term met with the same glazed, empty gaze and the same stammering responses. However, at least he wasn't Gerald Fucking Ford.
Regardless of how ineffectually Carter governed the country, does he really deserve what happened to him on C-Span?
Watch:
A bigot? A racist? An anti-Semite?? Give me a break.
Side note: All you Jewish people out there, get off your soap box. Not everyone is an anti-Semite! I am sooooo sick of hearing that term. Mel Gibson was called an anti-Semite for quoting the fucking Bible, for Gods' sake!! The Holocaust happened (well, not to Mel...) sixty years ago - get over it. All of your whining makes me want to fire up a gas chamber. Okay, that WAS anti-Semitic.
Anyway, do you think these horrible accusations really apply to Carter? Does he deserve this?
Not much to say tonight ... still kinda pissed off about that whole "destroying Iraq and our legitimacy by creating a civil war through brazen stupidity" thing from Wednesday.
Watch this as a diversion; George Bush would love it if you did. It's called "The Passenger." It was made by a guy who calls himself The Receptionist. He actually works as a receptionist in a Los Angeles management firm, and he makes these little movie while sitting at his desk answering calls.
And I get yelled at by my boss if I talk to my co-workers for five minutes.
