The Day The Music Died

I made the mistake of turning on my radio during a long drive, rather than listen to burned CD's of downloaded music (legally, of course!). What I discovered turned me into a grumpy old man.

The sonic abortion in question is "I'm Bossy" by the (formerly) impressive R&B singer Kelis. Granted, I am not exactly Beethoven - hell, I am not even Milli Vanilli - but I can discern MUSIC from SHIT. This "song," which basically consists of vibrating bass drums, a few random keyboard noises, and girls moaning, digs a new low for musical retardation. So inane, pointless, and pathetic is this newest inexplicable hit that even Missy Elliot, sitting in her Los Angeles house wearing 1,256 different colors in one outfit, exclaimed, "Damn, bitch! Dat's a hunk-a sheeeeeet!!!!" You go, girl.

And let me get one thing straight right now - I am not too old to like or understand popular music. I also love dance music, probably more than any self-respecting male should. I love fun music, serious music, and many varieties of music. But it comes down to that word - MUSIC - that truly becomes my problem; there is no music anymore!!!! I bet two years have passed since I last heard a hummable song, and that was performed by Kelly "If I Hadn't Won This Talent Show I Would Be Working At The Local Mall" Clarkson. Every song since then is tuneless trash.

And I blame black people for this. Yeah, that's right, BLACK PEOPLE. Or, more specifically, the influence of black culture on the music industry. Rap music has infiltrated every corner of the music industry and popular music in particular. Raps beats now dominate the dance wizards, and its fashions litter the malls.

Contrary to popular opinion, however, I do not believe rap music is the "music of the common people" as today's sociologists and commentators like to call it. FACE THE FACT: rap music was invented by black youths in inner cities who could not afford musical equipment and were too stupid/lazy to try and learn to play music or sing. So, instead of working hard to master the art of music composition and expression, they simply used beats and music from previously released vinyl records and they talked over the top of it. MUSICAL CAREER: NO TALENT REQUIRED.

Of course, all of this would meaning nothing if rap actually had anything to say. And, admittedly, some rappers have produced meaningful work. The musical landscape without Public Enemy, LL Cool J, Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, and Eminem would be bleaker for the loss. But the VAST majority of rappers have nothing to talk about other than imaginary stories of gunfire and hoes and gold teeth and big black asses. Oh, and money. Dey gots lots-a dat!!!

Which brings me to the current state of "music." Compare any song out of today's current crop of chart toppers to songs from previous decades, and you instantly see the difference. Take "SexyBack" by Justin Timberlake for example: starts off cool, has an interesting beat, and the distorted vocals get your attention. And then....? It goes on and on for four minutes, offering nothing at all but empty promises that we can "whip him if he misbehaves." Yeah, that sounds like a good fucking idea.

Compare that seemingly endless void of a song to any one-hit wonder from the eighties. How about "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runner? Great, bouncy beat. Cute guitar plucks. Fun violins. Super-catchy chorus. You hear the name of the song and you can sing the entire thing from memory. THAT is a SONG. It has actually MUSIC that provides a backdrop for a terrific melody and chorus. Of course, that song is an admitted classic, so perhaps it's not fair to poor Justin. Hell, I doubt if "SexyBack" can compete in the same ballpark with "Rock Me Amadeus," and that song is a shit cake.

Over and over again, the popular songs take the lazy, empty way out. Listen to Christina Aguilera's new song, "Ain't No Other Man." She has a powerful voice, and her performance alone sells this "song." However, I would guess from listening to it that no music was written at all for it. It is simply a collection of breakbeats, strung together with a couple of sampled horn hits. WORTHLESS! I wait anxiously for her next single, which might consist solely of samples of pianos tumbling down stairs.

Let's face it, when Paris Hilton has the catchiest melody on the radio, we have a problem.

But the lack of music and melody in popular music is only half of the problem. A random sampling reveals the emptiness of today's popular music. Listen to the amazingly profound thoughts on the minds of today's popular "artists":

"Damn, girl, you so fine"
"It's getting hot in here, so let's take off our clothes."
"I'm drinkin' dis gin and juice"
"I wanna get freaky"
"I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind"
"Let's fuck"

It certainly blows away any Lennon/McCartney composition. It makes Tony Basil look like Chrissy Hynde.

So thank you, Sugarhill Gang and all the other lazy fucking rappers who started this shit. I hope you're enjoying the money you made off of the music of others.

I think I will keep stealing music. They don't deserve a goddamn dime.