Kill Christmas

Christmas might be the silliest, tackiest, and least spiritual "holyday" on the calendar. It makes Arbor Day look like an epiphany of enlightenment.

EXHIBIT A : CHRISTMAS SONGS

Sleigh bells do not make great musical instruments. They have little musical value; they cannot play melodic notes, and they cannot keep rhythmic time. Somehow, though, they find their way into every single song at Christmas.

Which would be fine, if the songs didn't suck dead Jesus balls.

Unfortunately, Christmas songs exist to tell us the two great lies of the holiday season: (1) Christmas is a time when people love each other unselfishly, and (2) Christmas is a time of true joy and peace and happiness.

Wrong.

Let's see some of the worst offenders of Christmas music:

Paul McCartney and Wings - "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime"


Well, that gets my vote for one of the worst keyboard parts in music history, edged out slightly by Timmy T's hideous "One More Try." I love the brain-dead lyrics, repeated ad nauseum in case you missed it the first million times. "Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong." This guy was a fucking BEATLE???? Why on earth was John Lennon shot and this guy allowed to live????

Newsong - "Christmas Shoes"


Folks, it just doesn't get any more schmaltzy than that. I needed three insulin injections just to POST that, and I deeply apologize to any diabetics who were caught unaware when they played it. HORRIBLE. The lyrics don't fit in time with the music, the anonymous lead singer singing "soulfully," and, of course, the teeth-rotting lyrics. I would only wish to see them perform this song live so that I could vomit directly into that singer's face. Oh, and kid - those fucking shoes are UGLY. When she meets Jesus, he's going to send her to fucking HELL. Sweet dreams, kid.

Band Aid - "Do They Know It's Christmas Time?"


Ah, yes ... multimillionaire rock stars singing about starvation and disease. My nomination for most awkward-sounding lyric in a Christmas song: "Here's to them, underneath that burning sun!" I think Boy George comes off the best out of the singers represented here - at least he injects a little soul into it, unlike Sting, who looks like he'd rather lick Stuart Copeland's sweaty taint. Of course, nobody seems to give a shit that a large portion of Africa is not Christian, and couldn't care less if it was Christmas or Arbor Day. In fact, they'd probably prefer Arbor Day...the gift that keeps on giving - no, not George Michael in a public restroom - but rather a TREE. It'll provide fruit and/or shade from that damn burning sun.

Dishonorable Mention:
John Denver - "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk on Christmas)" - Yes, this is an actual song, sung by the bespectacled idiot who, years later, got drunk and crashed his plane directly into the ground. Nice going, dipshit.

Alvin and the Chipmunks - "Christmas Christmas Time is Here" - Bad idea from the sixties. Three high-pitched chipmunks sing songs while being berated by a human. The chipmunks here sound like ZOMBIE chipmunks. FESTIVE!!!!

John Lennon and Yoko Ono - "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)" - Nothing says holiday cheer like a lecture on war and peace, sung by an unwashed Beatle and (apparently) some sort of pterodactyl being disemboweled. Nothing will make egg nog rush out of your esophagus faster than Yoko's version of Christmas. She must have had an amazing pussy to have been able to blind Lennon so completely.


So ... any good Christmas songs out there? Well, I like these:

Jose Feliciano - "Feliz Navidad" - Damn this song is CATCHY. I have no idea what half the lyrics mean, but who cares. It has a great melody. Best of all, it's not about the so-called Christmas spirit - it's just basically one big message of well-wishing. I can handle that.

Madonna - "Santa Baby" - The song is completely slutty, and is basically a huge shopping list of material goods - which, of course, perfectly captures the true meaning of Christmas. This song is both Crassmaterialism and Christmasturbation. Love it.

And finally, the very best of them all, with brilliant video accompaniment:

Burl Ives - "Holly Jolly Christmas"


Christmas is so utterly phony. We need to whip and nail Christmas like the Romans did to that one guy...
Stop hurting Jesus! Stop celebrating Christmas!!