Lowest Common Denominator

About two years ago, I threw my television into a dumpster.

My primary reason for doing this stemmed from the loss of time spent in front of it. The secondary reason for doing this, closely related to the first, had to do with the fact that everything on television is a SHIT CAKE.

After two years of blissful, television-free living, I happened to watch it recently when I dropped in on my parents. Like most people, they have multiple televisions in various rooms of the house. They have DISH network, DVD players, VCR's, and even a handy-dandy video tape rewinding machine. At any given moment, they are ready to be entertained in a variety of formats.

Unfortunately, very little on television constitutes entertainment. At the risk of sounding elitist, television is absolutely worthless for the mind. "Reality" television has taken over - replacing carefully scripted dramas, or even well-acted fluff comedies (I never thought I would see the day when one might long for the subtleties of "Three's Company"). Nowadays, a television show consists of a cameraman pointing his lens in the direction of any talentless moron. The lowest point in television history has to be this show right here:



This television show is entitled "Viva La Bam," starring a giddy, psychotic man-child named Bam Margera, his idiotic friends, and his unfortunate, ineffective family. The show consists of Bam slapping his father, pushing his mother onto beds, humiliating his semi-retarded uncle, and destroying things. EVERY FUCKING WEEK.

Some reality shows have some sort of reward at the end of them, some nugget of worthiness that justifies its existence. "American Idol," despite destroying American music and celebrity, at least provides the audience the opportunity to have a hand in the ruination of their own culture. "The Real World," perhaps the first reality show, began its life as a show that encouraged the tolerance of the differences in others...before it degenerated into a "let's get naked, jump in a hot tub, fuck each other, and become STARS" celebrity-hungry mentality. And "Survivor" at least poses some interesting questions about survival and working together to overcome adversity when it isn't parading naked fags on a beach.

But what do shows such as "Viva La Bam" or "Jackass" do for anyone other than Bam Margera's ego or pocketbook? What do these shows tell us about the moronic fucktards watching it? Bam Margera should never have made two cents in the entertainment industry. He apparently has nothing to offer the human race other than farting noises, slapping people, and getting naked. Oh yeah, and like bacteria, Bam Margera also converts food products into waste matter. And oxygen into carbon dioxide. FASCINATING! And yet, Bam Margera is richer than you and I put together.

No wonder people from other countries want to fly planes into our buildings and kill us. They simply want to do to us what we would do for a loved one in a vegetative state - put us out of our misery.

My friend Scott had an idea for a reality show several years ago, and if the current state of television is any indication, this idea will be showing on your television screens very soon. Scott thought we should clear out the prisons and put the prisoners on an island, much like "Survivor." Then, the convicts would fight each other for survival. The winner (i.e. survivor) could live freely on the island. The whole thing would be televised for our "enjoyment," the proceeds from the show going to educate and improve the infrastructure of the country.

I have one small request. Put Bam Margera on the island for crimes against the intelligence of humanity. That spoiled pussy would be dead in five minutes, and I could turn off my television and live in peace.

Die, Bam Margera!!!!!!