The Movie Questionnaire

This is for my boy at The Communist Tome

I love movies. They are magic when they work. Unfortunately, fucktards run the movie business, resulting in terrible remakes and sequels of worthless, unspeakable shit.

And yet, here we are, making lists of our favorites. The Hollywood shitheads thank you and I for our money. Well, let's just say they like our money.

Here are my answers to The Movie Questionnaire:

1. The last movie you saw in a theater, and current-release movie you still want to see:

See my review in the previous post. "The Illusionist" was the last movie I saw in a theater, which was last night. Please don't make me relive it.

As far as current releases, I guess I have a curiosity factor regarding "Jackass 2," even though those that know me know I would probably despise it (see my post on Viva La Bam if you have any doubts entitled "Lowest Common Denominator"). This has been a long, quality-free summer at the theaters.

2. The last movie you rented/purchased for home viewing:

Recently I ended up at WalMart and purchased "Starship Troopers" for $5.00. This is a guilty pleasure for me, I am ashamed to say. What's not to like? There are dead bodies piled up everywhere, various bodily fluids spurting endlessly, and perfectly-formed tits and ass around every corner. Paul Verhoeven, the director of brilliant satires such as "Robocop," as well as smutty trash like "Showgirls," knows how to push all the right buttons. Plus, it has a warning about fascism, which seemed far-fetched in 1997, but seems timely here in 2006. PERFECT!

3. A movie that made you laugh out loud:

It's hard to make me laugh out loud, so only a few movies really stand out. When I was a kid, "Parlor, Bedroom and Bath" starring Buster Keaton made me laugh uncontrollably. In more recent times, "Kingpin" might be the winner. Bill Murray's performance as Big Ernie McKracken is Oscar-worthy, and in my mind one of the greatest comedic performances of all time. The movie has one of the best-edited comedic sequences I have ever seen, involving Woody Harrelson and his disgusting landlady, that will never leave your mind once you have seen it. The movie also contains the best kick to the crotch in motion picture history...not sure if that is award-worthy, but it deserves some praise. Any movie with the line, "Half the dresses you own you need two hairdos to wear" can't be all that bad.

4. A movie that made you cry:

I will name two, at the risk of sounding like a pussy:

"Edward Scissorhands" makes me cry every time I see it. There are few films that are so beautiful and sweet-natured. Danny Elfman's perfect score is so haunting and magical that I sometimes mist up just from the first few bars of it. This is Burton at his very peak of his powers...too bad a shit cake like "Planet of the Fucking Apes" follows this on his resume.

"Remains of the Day" might be the perfect unrequited love story. Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson are perfect as English servants unable to express their true feelings for one another. The scene in Hopkins' bedroom between the two is utterly fantastic, expressed soley through their eyes and whispers, and cannot ever be forgotten. The ending of this movie feels completely true, which is rare for a love story, and is heartbreaking. If you haven't seen it, do so NOW! It is slowly paced, but it rewards at the end.

5. A movie that was a darling of the critics, but you didn't think lived up to the hype:

I disagree with "The Phantom Menace" because it hardly qualifies as a darling of the critics.

I rarely agree with critics, and even some recent films haven't lived up to their hype ("The Illusionist" and "Little Miss Sunshine" among them) ...but of recent times, I must say I was extremely disappointed with Peter Jackson's "King Kong." Critics were ejaculating all over themselves to hurl superlatives at Jackson's follow-up to the "Rings" trilogy, but face the facts: "King Kong" was a marvelous technical achievement, but everything else, from script to performance to direction, was completely off. It's ludicrous to show a group of humans surviving a brontosaurus stampede UNHARMED...it's completely retarded to show Ann on top of the Empire State Building in the dead of winter IN A NEGLIGEE, and it's unreasonable to expect audiences to sit through three hours of contrived dialogue and situations that do not pay off.

6. A movie that you thought was better than the critics:

"Mommie Dearest." I own this one for a reason. This movie was DESTROYED by critics when it was released, but they were wrong. Faye Dunaway is BRILLIANT as Joan Crawford, regardless of how close she came to portraying the actual woman. Taken as fiction, this movie has possibly two or three of the best camp moments in film history. You will never, ever look at wire hangers the same way again. "Don't fuck with me, fellas!!!" is a line delivered with enough fire to level small towns. Not to be missed in any way. Quite literally, the scene in Christina's bedroom (pictured above) is one of my all-time favorite scenes, perfectly acted and edited. It is ferocious, glossy, terrifying, and hilarious. WATCH IT NOW!

7. Favorite animated movie:

While the South Park movie remains one of the best moments in animated film history simply for being ground-breaking, I must go with either "Toy Story 2," "The Incredibles," or perhaps "Bambi." What can be said about "Toy Story 2" except that it surpasses a brilliant original? "The Incredibles" made me audibly ask why studios cannot make movies like that in live action - brilliant characters and a final 45 minutes of action that leaves you breathless. "Bambi" might be the most striking and beautiful of the hand-drawn Disney films. Try not to cry when Bambi's mother dies. I dare you.

8. Favorite Disney Villain:

Michael Eisner.

9. Favorite movie musical:

Musicals suck for the most part, except for "Victor/Victoria." The screenplay is fun and full of quotable lines. The songs are catchy and fun. The setting is different. IT HAS JULIE ANDREWS FOR GOD'S SAKE! Her voice can pierce the coldest heart, and it certainly shines here. Add to that wonderful supporting performances from James Garner, Leslie Ann Warren, and Robert Preston (an Academy Award Winner here), and you have a perfect slapstick/musical comedy that will have you singing for a long time. Though not as well as Julie.

10. Favorite movies of all-time (up to five):

I hate these lists.

Okay, I'm over it. Here's my shot:

5. Alien/Aliens - perfect monster, perfect heroine, perfect script, perfect director.

4. Touch of Evil - Welles' lost masterpiece. Farther ahead than Kane.

3. Raiders of the Lost Ark - Has 3 of the best action sequences ever. Best performance by Harrison Ford. Possibly Spielberg's best direction.

2. Empire Strikes Back - Defines blockbuster excellence on all fronts. Watch the asteroid chase in a movie theater and try to be unmoved. Easily John Williams' best score EVER.

1. Citizen Kane - The critics are correct. This movie was made only ten years after sound was INVENTED for film. It is still ahead of its time. I still cannot believe the brilliant, insightful script and the note-perfect performance by a 25 year old Welles in astounding make-up. The gold standard, easily.

honorable mention -

"Nosferatu" by Murnau and "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" by Robert Weine. Silent films are hard to be completely overwhelmed by, but these two are brilliant. There has never been a scarier humanoid monster in film than Count Orlock of "Nosferatu," and there has never been better art direction in film than "Caligari." Both are light-years ahead of their contemporaries.

That is my list. Hope it helps.